When people find out I am pregnant the response is a high-pitched swooning followed by “oh my god, are you SO excited? Boy or girl? Names? Did you plan it? When did you know? Are you excited?” Side note: has anyone ever answered ‘nah, not really. Kinda depressed about it. Kinda want to go back in time and make better choices’. Honest question. Anyway, all of this query and commotion is overwhelming at times. It makes me feel like I need to display an enormous amount of joy and mom-stastic energy. As an introvert that is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be like ‘yea, I’m pregnant. I’m a human. What’s for lunch?’
I set myself up. I know this happens every time. It’s my first one. It’s going to change my whole life. It’s something completely foreign and new. I should expect this. So, when they go through a really, really long list of typical questions to ask expecting mothers and tell me every story about someone they knew who was/is pregnant, when they were pregnant and what happened, I shouldn’t be so annoyed. But, sometimes I am. It just might be refreshing to talk with my friends or family or complete strangers at this point in my life and it not be about a baby. It might be invigorating to been seen as Nikki and not mom.
I had some hesitation, and still do, of sharing this with you all. I fear you might think I don’t want to be a mom or I don’t want a baby. Because, well, look at me. I am not turning cartwheels and I’m certainly not making you feel your excitement for me is reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong, this is all new to me and I am a complete stranger to being a mom. I have and had a ton of questions myself, but I live in this pregnant body and I don’t want my whole existence to be about being a mom.
In general, I do not want to talk about my pregnancy for hours every single day. Maybe it’s a fear I have that you’ll forget about me. You’ll only see me as a mom. I want to be myself. I don’t want to fade into a mom existence and stop being Nikki. I don’t want you to make too much of this and expect me to gas it up. I reject the identity that’s being created for me. I want to be the kind of mom, woman, wife, friend I want to be. I don’t want anyone’s expectations to influence me to be someone else.
Whew. Girl, that was a lot. Anyway, if I have a million questions for you about being a mom or being pregnant you don’t get to run away. We gone talk about it.